And one day, the realisation of the person you have become creeps up slowly, sparked by returning to a familiar environment after having been away.
The friend who’s always ‘roaming the world’.
The daughter whose whereabouts seem increasingly hard to keep track of.
The young woman who has changed her life, left her job, ventured out in a different direction, leaving everything and everyone behind.
The engineer who has turned into travel writing, volunteering and content creation.
The one who is aspiring to start her own charity initiatives in Uganda.
Yet the woman who still loves spending time in nature and by the sea, reading with candles and jazz music in the background, watching documentaries, dancing and trying to get her head around herself and the world.
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These days, everyone seems to be focusing on leaving, in a sometimes dramatic or exaggerated ‘societal exit’ way, which can only capture a slither of what is going on. In my opinion, the reality is not that straightforward and, often, there are specific reasons and motivations that have been brewing for a long time before someone takes the leap. Assuming you’ve bravely left and changed direction, travelled, lived and worked nomadically, connected with hugely diverse individuals and experienced life differently. Yet what about if – at any point – you decide to come back to your previous circles? Even if you just visit friends and family, or spend a certain amount in familiar places, is it as straightforward as its next-to-nothing implied importance?
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Before I headed out, I seemed to have this underlying fear that I would be leaving behind my whole world and would, upon return, stumble upon a completely new reality which I would have to navigate from scratch.
On the one hand, I wasn’t entirely wrong in that I would indeed have to navigate a different reality – the internal emotional and intellectual reality, which was clashing with the external reality. On the other hand, this clash was caused exactly because my internal reality had shifted in unprecedented depths, whereas the external reality in which I landed had remained 99% the same. In a Truman-show fashion that nearly teased my sanity, I left and returned a different person – as many in my place would – having changed emotionally, mentally and experientially, but I came back to a reality that was pretty much exactly how I left it.
Of course some things do shift, and everything in life is in a constant state of flux. Friends and family change jobs, move houses and the like, but the overarching themes in people’s lives tend to largely remain the same. And even if they have changed, it doesn’t feel like the whole world has been let in on a secret and I’ve been excluded from it. The agonising fear of leaving and ‘abandoning’ a world behind turned out to be out of proportion, and this realisation has actually given me the certainty that one can choose to leave a life behind, and – excluding major or catastrophic life events – pretty much meet it where they left it.
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The challenge arises not necessarily from the external reality having changed, but from one’s internal reality having expanded, and hence contradicting with the previously familiar reality which might now be perceived as restrictive, one-sided or even lacking in diversity.
When one is used to frequent changes of environment and people, near-constant possibilities for exploration and a unique sense of self-direction and decision-making, it can feel strange being in an environment that looks the same day after day, and around mostly the same people.
There are a lot less things to decide or change on a daily basis, and some things might feel so easy (such as a fully stocked fridge, the ability to control one’s environment completely and expert familiarity with where to find what).
The mind goes into overdrive, constantly observing, analysing, comparing, reflecting and processing. A slight disconnect between the mind and the body is evident, where the body is receiving familiar stimuli and doing familiar things, but the mind seems to have been kicked out of sync, frantically trying to understand its place in this reality (as for the heart, its signal is quiet and we need to listen attentively to pick it up and decipher it – I wonder, how many times do we miss what it’s trying to tell us?).
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On the other hand, landing back to a familiar reality can bring up a feeling of letting someone’s guard down. Exactly because of the constantly changing parameters out on the road, being in one place, especially around friends and family, can reduce the underlying mental load – which is very easily missed during the excitement of travelling – and realise how much effort things actually took, even though they felt completely effortless and smooth out on the road. We can then appreciate this effort and value it even more so, but also enjoy the automatic decision-making that comes from being in a familiar place.
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Being back has opened up my mind further and been a valuable source of realisations and wisdom. It’s so interesting to observe how we have changed, but also how people and relationships around us have changed, if at all. There are so many new things to observe, do and feel, from visiting beloved places, catching up with dear friends and being re-introduced to a reality that has gently dusted up within our minds. Strangely enough, in a fashion similar to travelling, everything feels both new and eerily familiar, becoming its own chapter of exploration and reflection. The excitement of catching up with friends, visiting favourite places and doing things that brought us joy is very real, and tapping into this can be very satisfying.
This has also been a fantastic mirror to see how I’ve changed, realise the aspects in which I have deviated from people and also the aspects in which I have come closer to people. And there are plenty of both of them.
Having chosen to do an experience like I did creates all sorts of emotions to people, from admiration to respect, curiosity and not really knowing where to start! It’s not always easy to deal with these emotions, albeit very positive and beautiful, because we feel just like us, but realise that our image has shifted in people’s perceptions. It can make us feel a little lonely at times too, because it’s rare to find someone who understands the emotional depth of our experience and all the windows that have opened up in our mind and, many times when we try to articulate that to loved ones, it ends up being a miserably understated attempt. Or it can make us feel like we don’t really know how to process all the admiration and respect, however unique and special it is.
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At the same time, because of the opportunity to work on oneself a lot while being away, and since a lot of growth comes from operating in unfamiliar environments, I found that there are a lot of aspects on which I have come closer to people, due to my changed mentality, attitude and behaviours. I have been able to realise which people and interactions I really appreciated and missed, and also which friendships are likely to develop into life-long companionships. The hard thing has been the guilt about the things I missed due to being away, and the realisation that we end up becoming ‘that friend who’s always away’ by choosing – for the moment at least – to live a lifestyle of flux, journeys and different experiences.
When you’re on the road, there are many more people who have chosen such a path and ours doesn’t feel as ‘extreme’. But back at home – whatever this means for each of us – this might not be common, and it can create a sense of guilt by choosing to take ourselves somewhere else and not participate in common activities and interactions.The question ‘when are we going to see each other again?’ can cause my alter ego to gently swallow, awkwardly smile and naively reply ‘I am not sure’, hinting at a self-perceived sense of betrayal or abandonment, even though the motivation for journeying has nothing to do with that.
Through that, I’ve realised that there are people close to me who directly support and embrace my lifestyle, and people who will never understand or accept that. And this realisation has brought a sense of melancholy and sadness, but mostly a sense of liberation. It has shone light on the fact that, no matter which path you choose, someone close to you will struggle to accept or support that. Since the establishment of this fact, choosing one’s own constructive and fruitful path without succumbing to underlying social expectations is proven even more important. But I’ve also realised that the vast majority of people around me are willing to support me and be part of my life and lifestyle, and I am deeply fortunate and privileged to have a strong system around me.
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Observing both of these aspects has been truly beautiful, and realising a lot about myself and the progress I have made has been very valuable. Like most things, it can be what you make of it. A sense of melancholy is here and anticipated, but it can be harnessed into meaningful projects, maintaining contact with people and dreaming about all the possibilities – one very important aspect of life for me. Coming back can also act as a catalyst for growth, by combining the realisations and lessons we’ve had whilst on the road with the understanding that being back has given us. We can now look at your ‘previous world’ in a renewed perspective, understand what we enjoy about it and what you don’t.
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My main feelings have been those of gratitude and joy. At all the experiences I acquired on the road, and the people waiting for me to share them with them.
If you have come back from a life change into a previous reality, or if you’re about to, don’t fret. It can be an incredible opportunity for self-growth, spiritual development and extremely useful direction. You are in a uniquely privileged position to have had this opportunity, and returning back is another special opportunity to learn about yourself and the world, and fully process the lessons and realisations from everything you have experienced so far. Focus on gratitude and appreciation, take each day as it comes and let all different feelings emerge – and your experience of life will be even more enhanced.