When I returned to the UK after a long summer holiday, it was as if a line had been drawn in the sand. Suddenly, everything started feeling different and it was as if I had crossed to the other side. All the thinking from January onwards started seeming like another lifetime, and even my way of thinking now felt different.
I think the main reason was that the 2 months from September to November felt like a very short amount. There were only 8 or so weekends, a couple of which already had plans on them, and a few of them needing to be reserved for moving and spending some time with family (including my birthday!).
Suddenly, I had extremely mixed emotions and I could feel my anxiety pick up. On the one hand, the closer my adventure came, the more excited I got and I couldn’t wait to get there and explore, meet people, become a backpacker traveller and volunteer, and learn new things. Have my mind blown away by different experiences, places and conversations. On the other hand, I was afraid, lonely and even guilty in my decision.
Guilty in that I am leaving my family and friends behind and won’t see them for 3 months, lonely in that there were only a handful of people who could understand my decision, and for the rest of them it felt like a crazy and completely removed thing.
Guilty in that my family will worry about me for the next few months, and also that I am choosing to not see them for a few months.
Guilty towards myself in that I am choosing to leave behind all those things I have worked hard over the last 2+ years to build, all the connections I have established and cherished, all those places that have become my home.
Guilty also in leaving the beautiful house I have had the pleasure of living in for the last year and a half, not knowing whether I would be equally lucky in the future.
Hence loneliness in my decision to leave – something that maybe is different from what most others do (though people around me have done the same).
And finally, fear.
Fear whether I would be okay while I’m there, fear about whether I would be able to manage any challenges and still keep my spirits high.
Fear about whether I would enjoy it – what if I didn’t enjoy it, and had made all this uprooting, leaving my job (without having another job), leaving my place, investing all that money.
What if it wasn’t the right thing in the end. What if it was just a crazy thing that I had in my mind as an idea and
But I knew that, I had to do it. If I didn’t do it, it’s something I would really regret and possibly resent myself for it afterwards. Resent myself for not trying, not taking a leap and not daring to do what I really wanted to do. Even if it didn’t work out, it’s something that I tried and explored, and did it. And I knew that building a new life and social circle out of thin air in Bristol, literally learning how to stand on my own two feet (after having moved here thanks to a previous relationship), in a way prepared me for being able to do this trip, for managing to enjoy time by myself, appreciating the importance of loving myself and understanding how best to maintain my connections and relationships. My experiences while I was based in Bristol have been critical to becoming the person I am today, and it will always be a home for me. I am now taking some time away from here to explore other places and discover new perspectives, new aspects of myself and the world around me.
If you are in a similar position like me and struggling to come to terms with all the contradicting emotions, these approaches might be helpful:
Firstly, accept how you feel and that there is no way you ‘should’ feel. I have spent a lot of energy trying to understand why I don’t feel the way ‘I’m supposed to feel’, just to get to the conclusion that even if there is a set way that I’m supposed to be feeling for this trip, I can’t fit within it entirely.
Specifically, I was trying to understand why I am not just surrounded by happy feelings about it all, passion, joy and excitement. Why am I experiencing guilt, fear and anxiety for it all, along with the positive feelings? Maybe there is a specific way people who have made such a decision expect to feel when doing these types of things (though I believe that everyone is entitled to feeling however they want and there is no ‘scoreboard’ listing our achievements in each of the emotions).
Of course, if you start to experience really strong emotions or doubt, then maybe it would be wise to revisit your expectations and motivations for such a trip to ensure this is really what you want to do. But if you are (mostly!) convinced about your trip and now realising all those other hosts of emotions, embrace them. Give them space to be felt fully, on the physical level, not just an intellectual level. Allow them to exist and try to examine where they stem from.
Are they concerns about specific aspects of your trip, do they relate to social or personal expectations and how can you manage those emotions? Don’t push them away, they are there for a reason. Try to explore them with curiosity and compassion, understanding their impermanent nature and how you can use them to learn more about yourself and what’s important to you. You can also use them from a practical point of view to understand whether you want to change something on your trip.
Maybe some uncertainties are giving you anxiety that can be mitigating, maybe you would benefit from a chat with a loved one to express those concerns. It might even be a great opportunity to realise what you are afraid of and how this is contributing to your life.
Most importantly, remember that you are not alone in experiencing those feelings and that, a dream won’t always be easy. It won’t always feel completely positive and the sense of responsibility associated with big decisions might feel heavy from time to time. However, remember you decided to do this for a reason. A deep desire to explore, learn, experience. Take a leap and a net will appear!